i ordered pizza and i was like ‘hey sorry you have to work on thanksgiving’ to the delivery girl and she was like ‘i feel worse for the person ordering pizza on thanksgiving’ ouch
"i’ve never masturbated"
I had a dream last night that Jesus finally resurrected and when white people found out he wasn’t white they arrested him for 2000 something years of tax evasion
When im sick I like to listen to music from like 2000-2009
when im sick
i like to take hot showers
and plug my ears
and close my eyes
because it sounds like rain.
Reminds me that the little things are the best reasons to live
not sure why people don’t automatically say “shapeshifting” when asked what they want their superpower to be. you could become anyone you want. even fictional characters. anyone. cosplay would always be spot-on. dysphoria wouldn’t exist. perfection
rob a bank and disguise yourself as a stray pen lying on a shelf when the cops come
A pen with a shit ton of money lying next to it.
I can’t believe it’s actually butter!! I thought I was buying the fake stuff all along!!
WHEN U TRYNA TAKE A PILL AND IT TOUCHES YA TOUNGE AND U TASTE IT
okayyy can everybody stop talking shit about ppl who give their dogs and cats all-vegan diets, i fed my cat all raw vegan food since he was a kitten and he lived a very happy four years :)
There’s something really unsettling to me about the word pal like. AYEE YO MA IM GONNA GO VISIT MY pals. Ain’t no good in the hood